Christian Marketing 101

This poster is on the wall of a church near my house.

Silly Christian

Where do I start with this?

First of all, who the hell created that image? Look at the size of that kid compared to the size of that cereal bowl. Look at how short his arms are. Look closely at the spoon: what the hell is in it? It’s not a letter; if I had to guess, I’d say it was a puppy, or a baby porcupine, crying out in anguish as it’s about to be chewed and swallowed — along with, apparently, that kid’s tongue. And that font! Who picked that font? I know it’s tempting to make the font match the words, to have fancy words in fancy script, and therefore to make the word “silly,” y’know, silly — but to have it off at an angle like that makes it seem like it has no association with “Christian.” Which makes it seem like it’s more of a commentary on the poster or its message. Apt, wouldn’t you say? And “fear” is apparently big, green, and outlined in white. So fear is a highway sign?

Next I have to come at the punctuation. You need some. You don’t have any, not until the exclamation point at the end, which seems to take emphasis away from where you put it with your graphics: on “silly” and “fear.” (Are you understanding now why these font choices were poor? Your punch is at the end of the tagline. Where the exclamation point is. Not up at the top.) Here’s why that lack of punctuation earlier is an issue: without an obvious break between “Christian” and “fear,” it’s reasonable to assume that your statement is: “Silly Christian fear is for pagans.” Which makes sense, but isn’t what you mean to say. If you intended it to be a break using the graphics, why did you put fear up at the top with “silly Christian” instead of down at the bottom with the phrase it is a part of? And again with the Silly graphics: using graphics to punctuate, it could just as easily read: Silly! Christian fear is for pagans.

And the cereal. Just to be clear, the reference you are making is to Trix cereal. That’s the one that had the tagline, “Silly Rabbit! Trix are for KIDS!” Trix look like this:

Ermahgerd! TWO stickers?!?

 

Do you see how they are nothing but round puffs of sugar, dyed various colors never found in nature? Right. (Though looking at the box, I will give the Christians this: that kid and his cereal bowl are in about the same ratio as this rabbit and his.) There are no letters in Trix. Why are there letters in your bowl? If you’re going to make the reference, get the reference right.

While we’re on the topic of the reference: why are you making this reference? I remember the rabbit, sure; I thought he was funny when I was a tyke. Maybe you were different, but — I wanted that rabbit to get that goddamn cereal. I got pissed off at every obnoxious little kid who pulled away that cereal bowl and delivered this line. Never failed to irritate. And this is the memory you want me to reminisce over? This is? And if your version of it is “Silly Christian, fear is for pagans,” then doesn’t that mean that Christians are analogous to the rabbit — are the sugar-jonesing, addiction-addled wackadoos who will do anything to get their fix — er, I mean, their Trix?

That bunny is not well.

 

So let’s imagine that you meant that. Because this cereal this “pagan” kid is eating (Right? Because the kid is eating the cereal. Hang on: is that kid eating the cereal? His tongue’s hanging out and he has a crying woodchuck in his spoon — but that rabbit got pretty damn close to a mouthful of “frosted corn puffs” many a time. So is that the Christian who thinks he wants the bowl full of Jesus-choking fear-cereal, or is that the pagan who’s actually enjoying his infernal breakfast treat? Who knows? It’s not like either one would make much sense.) is spelling out all the terrible, terrible things that await the pagan kids who shlork that crap down, all of which is denied the desperate Christian-rabbit. Death. Satan. Separation. Poverty. Trials. And, for some reason, God, past, and future (Though it really looks a lot like “paste.” Maybe it is “paste.” THE PASTE OF THE DAMNED!). So now I’m entirely confused. Is it that the pagan eats the “death” and “poverty” letters, and the good Christian gets to eat God (Well, that wafer, after all . . .) and the past and the future? Or maybe the past is bad, and the pagan gets that — but the future is for the Christian?

Or maybe it says “pasta.”

Bless His Noodly Name.

 

So here’s what we’ve got: a message that, if it isn’t saying “Silly, Christian fear is for pagans” or “Silly Christian fear is for pagans,” both intended to warn pagans away from the fears of Christians (Good advice, that.), is apparently telling us that Christians are willing to go to any lengths to grab a big bowl full of fear, which will contain both death and Satan, as well as God and all of time, both future and past. Which, when you get it in the spoon, will look like a terrified hedgehog.

Yup. That would bring me in to listen to the sermon. Who knows what that preacher’s next reference will be?

Might I suggest?

 

Silly Christians. While fear may be for pagans, so, apparently is sense.

(Just had a totally disturbing realization. You know what Trix looks like, if you ignore the color? Bunny poop. Frosted bunny poop. Maybe that rabbit was playing us the whole time . . .)

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