…An angry rant from W.T.!
W.T. Fuck: Because I’m Less Polite.
Hello, friends. W.T. Fuck, here. I’m the last Fuck; sometimes a flying Fuck. When you have no Fucks left to give, I’ll be there. If you are angry as Fuck, annoyed as Fuck, hungry as Fuck – I’ll be there. When someone tells you to go Fuck yourself, you come to me, and I’ll show you how to be a little more like me: yes, I’ll Fuck you right up.
Wondering what the “W.T.” stands for? Good. Keep wondering. Because the W., at least, is rarely the same thing twice. “T.” is short for “the.” You probably guessed that. Well done, you. I owe you a prize gold-plated Fuck.
Today, W. stands for Why. Because today, I’m wondering: Why The Fuck are there computer viruses?
My computer has virus protection software. And it’s expensive. And it slows the computer down, and because it is an older, more tired computer, it screws the poor thing up. Every day the virus protection has to update, and then when it does, it asks me to restart the computer in order to sort out all of the elements of the program, get its little virus-fighting ducks in a row – though I like to think of it as a skirmish line, like in one of those historical war movies where the only thing that matters in winning a battle and saving the nation or the world or Whatever The Fuck they’re fighting for is: holding the line. Then the viruses are a horde of savages come running, screaming, from behind those hills over there, and I picture the pieces of anti-virus software quaking in their little electronic shoes, while some commander yells, “Hold . . . . Hold . . . HOLD!!!” And then the viruses are on them, and they have to fight for their tiny digital lives, and for the preservation of my computer. God bless them for their sacrifice.
So every day when I turn the computer on, it has to run a scan, and figure out which new anti-virus software bits have been sent – reinforcements; nay, The CAVALRY! – and then (after slowing the computer down terribly while it runs this scan and downloads the reserves), it gives me a popup that says it needs to restart. And as annoying as that is, the truly annoying thing is this: when I re-start the computer in order to let it collate all of its newly downloaded anti-malware bits, what does it do? It runs a new scan, and realizes that it has NEW bits of anti-virus protection to download and plug into the newly-carved holes in the line, and it tells me I have to restart AGAIN.
And sure, the problem would be solved if I bought a newer computer. And it might be solved if I changed virus software companies – mine is McAfee, because I had Norton and then changed, and removing all of the Norton stuff from the computer was worse than the freaking viruses could ever be. I’m sure there are still better anti-virus products out there, several of them probably free. But that’s not the best solution. The best solution is this: EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP MAKING VIRUSES AND GET A LIFE. Please. For Fuck’s sake.
I mean, I get that the majority of viruses are money makers. They either steal valuable information, or they perform tasks that someone is willing to pay for, like turning a computer into a spambot so advertisers can get their obnoxious emails into everyone’s inbox, so we can all find out how to keep our dicks harder longer. Especially the ladies. But seriously: if you have the ability and the knowhow to create malware, why can’t you just make something useful and sell it? How about a better grammar checker? Or a spellchecker that would recognize the word “knowhow?” Surely there are better ways to earn a living.
And then there are the viruses that people make for fun. People. Make viruses. For fun. Why The Fuck do people do that? Why The Fuck is it some kind of status symbol in the hacker world to be able to ruin millions of people’s computers? Why The Fuck is that cool? Why The Fuck are people like this?
I suppose there’s no answer. Cool never makes sense. Hackers are like many online people: they think trolling is funny. They think people getting angry is funny. They probably think this blog is hi-larious.
Well, you know what, virus-makers? I don’t give a Fuck. So Fuck off, please, and let me simply enjoy my little computer and my simple little internet needs. Do something useful, for a change: maybe figure out how to keep viruses off my computer without running a new scan every thirty-five minutes. Or better yet: figure out a way to keep my screen clean.
– W.T. Fuck.