This Is Why I Hate Google

Because it is impossible to find things on the internet without Google, since there is just so much crap on the internet. But Google, as brilliant as it is, is still staggeringly stupid.

I wanted a picture in my last book review post  of a man with a thin face, black hair, heavy eyebrows, and who was unshaven. I did a Google image search of those words. And out of all of the pictures I saw, I could not find one that suited what I wanted it for. That’s the description of Guy Montag, the main character in Ray Bradbury’s novel Fahrenheit 451. Montag is a fireman, not a male model, so all of these guys were out:

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshavenRelated imageRelated imageRelated imageRelated imageRelated image

 

Montag is miserable in the book: trapped in an empty sham of a marriage, surrounded by violence and suffering, living in a dystopia. So no smiley guys.

 

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

Nope.

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

Not you, either. (Though I love that this comes from an article titled “5 tips for growing a great f-ing beard” )

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

No. You look too much like my brother.

 

Montag is not a bro, so DEFINITELY NOT THESE GUYS:

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

And I guess I didn’t have Safe Search on, because I also got this shot:

(It is from Buzzfeed, not porn, so I assume he’s not doing what I think he’s doing. Still.

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

I don’t — I can’t — let’s just move on.

 

 

Montag also doesn’t have a full beard, so not this:

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

And not this:

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

Dude, you don’t even have dark hair. What the hell are you doing to me, Google?

And not this:

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

And REALLY not this:

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

 

 

 

And then, of course, there were several I could not use because they were too recognizable. This isn’t Guy Montag:

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

Nor is this:

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

Or this:

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

And not this guy:

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

Here’s another one Google offered me. Remember, I searched for “man thin face black hair unshaven.”

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

Sure, yeah. I’ll use Miley Cyrus. Great idea.

 

 

And then, of course, there’s the WTF file. Google should have a checkbox: WTF, No WTF. These are all WTF.

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

Good lord, no.

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

OH COME ON, NOW.

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

HOW DOES THAT EVEN MATCH ANY OF MY SEARCH TERMS?!?!?!

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

That’s a statue.

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

That’s a cartoon.

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

THAT’S A DOG. (Though he is cute.)

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

THAT’S — wait, is that Alex Trebek?

 

 

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

That’s Saddam Hussein.

 

 

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

We don’t talk about what that is.

 

 

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

THAT’S GODDAMN SELMA FROM THE GODDAMN SIMPSONS.

 

 

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

Now you’re just fucking with me, aren’t you, Google?

 

 

Image result for man thin face black hair heavy eyebrows unshaven

Oh, I give up.

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One thought on “This Is Why I Hate Google

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